I’ve found myself slightly distracted from football this week, which is unusual given the amount of nonsense that Manchester United have been providing for our entertainment.
Somehow, I’ve ended up watching Celebrity Traitors. I know, I know. But I’ve become rather invested in it, and it’s probably the only programme outside sport that I actually sit down and watch when it’s broadcast these days. Almost everything else gets streamed whenever I fancy it.
I’ve also got the very last episode of The Bear waiting for me, which I’m determined to watch before the weekend’s football takes over. No spoilers, please.
Anyway, back to football. This week’s column is a shorter one, with a few thoughts on Lisandro Martínez, the rather unlikely man they call ‘The Butcher’, and my predictions for all ten Premier League fixtures.
Given how unpredictable the league has become, I’m already preparing my excuses.
Lisandro Martínez, ‘The Butcher’ and Manchester United’s Never-Ending Circus
I’ve already had plenty to say about Manchester United’s latest episode of self-inflicted chaos this week. Lisandro Martínez publicly questioning the club’s hierarchy, Jason Wilcox and the direction of the football operation was extraordinary, although perhaps we should stop being surprised when something extraordinary happens at Old Trafford.
I’ve shared my thoughts on social media, so I won’t repeat the entire argument here. However, there’s one thing about Martínez that has always amused me.
Who on earth decided to call him ‘The Butcher’?
He’s 5ft 9in. He’s hardly built like a wardrobe. When I hear somebody described as The Butcher, I imagine a terrifying central defender from the 1970s, a bloke with a moustache, thighs like tree trunks and absolutely no interest in whether the opposition striker makes it home in one piece.
Martínez looks more like somebody who might ask to speak to the manager because his supermarket delivery arrived without the avocados.
I’m being slightly unfair, of course. He’s an aggressive footballer, a World Cup winner and somebody who clearly doesn’t lack courage or conviction. You don’t need to be six foot four to be intimidating, and I can understand why his combative approach earned him that nickname during his Ajax days.
Still, it makes me laugh.
What makes it even more entertaining is discovering that away from football, Martínez is apparently a keen advocate of meditation, therapy and emotional openness. He’s spoken about learning to express his feelings and becoming more comfortable crying.
Fair play to him. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. In fact, football could probably do with more players being comfortable discussing their emotions.
But the contrast between the nickname and the personality is wonderful. The Butcher spends his evenings finding inner peace while Manchester United spend theirs discovering entirely new ways to lose it.
And then there’s the apology.
Having publicly questioned the people running Manchester United following their defeat to Atlético Madrid, Martínez has now met the hierarchy, apologised for the timing of his comments and declared the matter closed.
How wonderfully convenient.
I wonder whether the conversation included an explanation of why the club’s recruitment suddenly looks so inadequate only a few months after United finished third in the Premier League.
I can see both sides of the argument. Players should be entitled to question standards, particularly when they believe their club is drifting. Equally, publicly criticising the people who employ you, while suggesting your teammates aren’t good enough, is hardly an ideal way to improve dressing-room morale.
The bigger problem is that this has become Manchester United’s natural state. Somebody says something inflammatory, everybody takes sides, the club arranges a meeting, a statement appears and we’re all expected to believe normal service has resumed.
Until the next crisis, naturally.
I’ve already said that I’d be surprised if Michael Carrick is still in charge a month from now. Perhaps I’ll be proved wrong, but the signs aren’t particularly encouraging.
Meanwhile, Martínez might discover that his own future at Old Trafford is rather less secure than he’d imagined.
Perhaps The Butcher should stick with the meditation. If anybody needs to find a little inner peace at Manchester United, it’s him.
And if that fails, there’s always a career waiting for him behind the meat counter at Tesco.
Premier League Predictions: Liverpool Face a Brentford Test as United Head to Leeds
Predicting Premier League football has become an increasingly thankless exercise. Just when you think you’ve worked out which teams can be trusted, somebody produces a performance that makes absolutely no sense.
Still, I’ve had another go at all ten fixtures this weekend. There are a few home wins I feel reasonably confident about, a couple of draws that wouldn’t surprise me, and another potentially miserable afternoon for Manchester United.
Saturday’s Predictions
Everton 1-2 Chelsea
Everton have started the season impressively, and their new stadium is becoming a difficult place for visiting teams. Chelsea, though, have enough attacking quality to cause problems even when they’re not entirely convincing. I can see Everton making this competitive, perhaps even taking the lead, but I’m backing Chelsea to edge it. Their greater individual quality might ultimately make the difference.
Brentford 1-1 Liverpool
Wednesday’s 6-3 victory over LASK was hugely entertaining, particularly Bradley Barcola’s hat-trick, but I wouldn’t read too much into it when assessing Liverpool’s Premier League prospects.
Brentford away is an entirely different examination. They’ll be physical, organised and determined to make Liverpool uncomfortable. We’ve already seen enough this season to know that Andoni Iraola’s side remain vulnerable, particularly when opponents put them under sustained pressure.
I’d love to predict another Liverpool victory, but I can’t ignore the inconsistency. A point wouldn’t be disastrous, although two wins from the opening seven league matches would hardly represent the start we wanted.
Fulham 1-1 Hull City
Fulham are finding life rather uncomfortable at the moment, while Hull have demonstrated that promotion doesn’t automatically mean spending the season being pushed around by established Premier League clubs.
I expect Fulham to have plenty of possession, but possession doesn’t necessarily translate into goals. Hull will fancy their chances of frustrating them and nicking something. Another draw feels entirely plausible.
Manchester City 4-1 Ipswich Town
Manchester City might have plenty happening away from the pitch, but their footballers are doing an excellent job of ignoring the noise.
Ipswich will undoubtedly arrive with a plan, although I’m not convinced any plan survives prolonged exposure to Erling Haaland and City’s attacking players.
I expect City to dominate, score early and eventually run away with it. Ipswich might grab a consolation, but this looks like a fairly comfortable home victory.
Newcastle United 2-1 Aston Villa
This is one of the more difficult fixtures to predict. Villa have quality throughout their side, while Newcastle remain capable of producing excellent performances when everything clicks.
St James’ Park should provide the usual intensity, and I think that could prove decisive. Villa will cause problems, but I’m backing Newcastle to find a winner in what should be a competitive encounter.
Sunday’s Predictions
Bournemouth 2-0 Sunderland
Bournemouth are still searching for their first league victory under Marco Rose, which is surprising given the quality they have available. Sunderland have shown plenty of promise themselves, although European football brings its own complications when you’re trying to establish consistency domestically.
I fancy Bournemouth to finally get that elusive win. Home advantage should help, and I think they’ll have enough to keep Sunderland quiet.
Brighton 3-1 Crystal Palace
There’s something wonderfully peculiar about the rivalry between Brighton and Crystal Palace. The geographical distance hardly screams local derby, yet the hostility is very real.
I’m expecting an entertaining game with a few goals. Brighton have the attacking players to hurt Palace, and I suspect they’ll make home advantage count. Palace will probably score, but I’m going for a convincing Brighton victory.
Leeds United 2-1 Manchester United
This could be one of the most entertaining fixtures of the weekend, particularly if you’re somebody who enjoys watching Manchester United struggle.
Elland Road will be absolutely bouncing, and Leeds will smell blood. Michael Carrick is under increasing pressure, confidence looks fragile and the entire club seems incapable of going more than a few weeks without another crisis.
I’ve already had my say on Lisandro Martínez this week, so I’ll resist the temptation to revisit that particular circus.
Leeds have the energy and aggression to make this a deeply uncomfortable afternoon for United. I expect the visitors to score, but I fancy Leeds to win it 2-1.
Nottingham Forest 0-2 Arsenal
Arsenal are beginning to look like a side that understands how to win difficult matches without necessarily producing spectacular football.
Forest are capable of making life awkward, particularly at the City Ground, but I think Arsenal’s defensive organisation and greater quality will see them through.
Mikel Arteta has built a team that rarely gives opponents much encouragement. I’m backing them to score once in each half and leave with three points.
Monday’s Prediction
Tottenham Hotspur 3-1 Coventry City
Tottenham’s home record has been dreadful for a remarkably long time, and Coventry have already demonstrated that they’re capable of competing at this level.
Nevertheless, I have a feeling Spurs will finally give their supporters something to enjoy.
Roberto De Zerbi’s teams can be entertaining when their attacking football clicks, even if they’re occasionally an absolute nightmare defensively. Coventry will fancy scoring, but I think Tottenham will create enough opportunities to win this comfortably.
Whether that marks the beginning of genuine improvement is another question entirely.
So there we have it. Seven home wins, two away wins and two draws.
Actually, make that six home wins, two away wins and two draws. At least I’ve managed to get the arithmetic right before the weekend begins.
I’m predicting another frustrating afternoon for Liverpool, another defeat for Manchester United and a comfortable victory for Manchester City. Not exactly the combination of results I’d choose as a Liverpool supporter, but predictions are supposed to reflect what I think will happen, rather than what I’d like to happen.
And given my recent record, supporters of every club I’ve tipped to lose should probably feel quietly optimistic.
That’s your lot for this Friday.
Ten Premier League predictions, another Manchester United circus and the prospect of a weekend in which Liverpool will hopefully prove my rather cautious Brentford prediction wrong.
I’ll be keeping an eye on Leeds against United too. Elland Road should be lively, and I suspect there might be another entertaining chapter in the ongoing Old Trafford soap opera.
First, though, I’ve got that final episode of The Bear to get through. At least when things go wrong in that kitchen, somebody usually knows who’s responsible. Manchester United could learn a thing or two.
Enjoy the football, and as always, thanks for reading. If you haven’t already subscribed, it’s completely free and genuinely helps support my independent writing.
See you next Friday.